Heartbreak, hope and healing: Birth mother tells her adoption story
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Every now and then, you hear a story that’s equal parts pain and joy,
weakness and strength, fear and bravery, despair and hope.
The birth and adoption of Leo Doud, which came to light last week in a poignantly candid account written by Leo’s birth mom, is one such story.
The Story Below is so touching....I read it and changed my whole perception...I always assumed mothers that gave their children up for adoption were so selfish...Now I know better..!!!
A 25-year-old photojournalism student at the University of Iowa,
Callie Mitchell chronicled her unplanned pregnancy, delivery and
decision to give her baby up for adoption in heartbreaking detail and
with gorgeous, moving photographs in the college newspaper, The Daily
Iowan. The story gives articulate voice to someone we don’t often hear from in the adoption process: the birth mother.
Courtesy The Daily Iowan
"Every day I wake up, thinking, “Today is a good day to have a baby.” Photo by The Daily Iowan/Callie Mitchell
Her saga began last spring when she discovered she was pregnant, then
saw her relationship with her boyfriend, the biological father, crumble.
Alone and expecting, Mitchell was faced with the daunting decision of
whether or not to keep the baby. To sort through things, she began
writing a journal and capturing the private moments of her anguish via a
self-timed camera on a tripod.
By the time she was six months pregnant, Mitchell decided to document
her journey as part of a photography project at the newspaper. She says
she wanted to be “as honest and open as possible” and put a real story
of adoption “out there for the world to see.” She admits the project at
times – if only briefly – took her mind off her troubles.
“It was very cathartic for me to take the pictures,” she says. “I
could focus on that instead of being trapped in my sadness. You’re
hormones are going crazy. You’re dealing with being alone. The emotions
are so intense.”
Courtesy The Daily Iowan
"Alone and
pregnant, I took a hard look at my life and the choices I’ve made. I
have never felt so low in my life." Photo by The Daily Iowan/Callie
Mitchell
Mitchell’s beautiful photos show everything -- from her growing belly
and increasing physical discomfort to the emotional roller coaster she
was experiencing to the intimate moments of childbirth (taken by Daily
Iowan photo editor Rachel Jessen). While she and the biological father
had both initially agreed on adoption and Mitchell started the process
through a local agency, she continued to feel conflicted about whether
it was the right thing to do.
A month after her meeting with the adoption agency, she writes in an entry dated July 25, 2012:
“Today, I have decided I am going to keep my
baby. I never wanted to give my baby away … I want to look at him every
day and tell him that I love him. I can feel him fluttering around in
my belly, and I want to meet him so badly. I can’t wait to see the
amazing boy he grows up to be. Already, I’m so proud of him, so proud to
be his mom.”
In the next entry, dated a week later, Mitchell writes:
“I told him I wanted to keep our baby. We
fought. I then promised him I’d put our baby up for adoption. I just
want this constant fighting to end.”
In late August, Mitchell decided a couple from Ohio, Kristen and Brian
Doud, who she describes as “perfect for my son,” should be the baby’s
adoptive parents.
Callie Ann / Courtesy The Daily Iowan
"Karen sent
me three parent profiles a week ago. I like a couple named Kristen and
Brian. I think they would be perfect for my son. " Photo by The Daily
Iowan/Callie Mitchell
But her indecision continued to haunt her.
“They both have college degrees,” she
writes. “They are very active and like to spend time outdoors. They are
both very hard-working, but how do you judge what makes a good parent? …
Is it reckless of me to trust two complete strangers with my baby based
on a four-page profile and an hour-long phone conversation?"
‘Adoption is the right choice’
On the other end of that phone conversation were Kristen and Brian
Doud. After trying to get pregnant for a year, they had gone through
medical tests and found it was unlikely they could naturally conceive.
“We did not even research infertility [treatment],” says Kristen Doud,
32, a clinical researcher for University Hospitals of Cleveland. “We
automatically said, ‘Adoption is the right choice.’”
After more than a year of paperwork, background checks and home
visits, the Douds were approved by an adoption agency as a potential
family in June of 2012. Shortly thereafter, they got an email about a
prospective mom named Callie.
Despite limited contact (she saw only one photo and spoke with
Mitchell for just an hour via phone), Kristen Doud says she immediately
felt a bond with the college student, something she demonstrated through
care packages and messages.
“In my heart, I’ve loved [Callie] for a year, ever since we were
approved,” she says. “I’ve cared about her and worried about her.”
But the Douds also felt the uncertainty many prospective adoptive parents feel. Would Mitchell decide to keep her baby?
In Iowa, where Mitchell gave birth, the law says birth parents have 72
hours until they sign consent documents giving the baby up for
adoption, says Karen Nissly, owner of Graceful Adoptions, the agency
that matched the Douds with Mitchell. And after that, they have 96 hours
to change their minds.
“You have very little control over the whole situation,” says Doud.
“At any moment you are aware the birth mom can change her mind. You keep
feeling ‘This could end at any moment.’ There’s a part of you that
continues to hold your breath.”
Courtesy The Daily Iowan
"I can’t breathe, the pain is so bad." Photo by The Daily Iowan/Rachel Jessen
Emotionally charged
The Douds met Mitchell in person for the first time ten minutes before
she started to push in the delivery room. Mitchell describes the
meeting in an entry dated December 6, 2012:
“I wanted to meet my son’s parents before I gave them
this amazing gift. I started wondering what they were like, what it was
going to be like meeting them. I thought about what it was going to be
like hearing my son cry for the first time. What would it be like to not
have him anymore? The moment I saw her, then him, enter my hospital
room, a big smile came across my face. They both rushed over and each
gave me a hug.”
Daily Iowan photo editor Rachel Jessen, in the delivery room to take
photos of the baby’s birth, says the room was emotionally charged.
Courtesy The Daily Iowan
"My beautiful baby boy Leo was born this morning." Photo by The Daily Iowan/Rachel Jessen
“Emotions were running high on everyone's part – Callie's, the birth
father's, the adoptive parents’,” she says. “But just the fact that
Callie wanted me in there to capture all of that, the hours leading up
to the birth, the pushing, the pain, the moment that Leo came into the
world, you knew she was very dedicated to telling the story in its
honest entirety.”
The Douds were in an adjacent room when they heard the cries of the baby boy, Leo, who would be their son.
Courtesy The Daily Iowan
"We all get
along so well, it’s like spending time with friends while taking turns
holding the most precious child in the world." Photo by The Daily
Iowan/Callie Mitchell
“We both started crying together,” says Kristen Doud. “When we finally got to hold him, we were so in love with him.”
After Leo’s birth, the Douds spent a week at a hotel where Mitchell,
as well as the baby’s birth father, visited daily. A mutual affection –
for each other, and for the baby – soon took root.
Leo, whose name was picked jointly by the Douds and Mitchell, turns
three months old this week. His middle name, Arthur, honors Kristen
Doud's grandfather, a World War II veteran who died a few weeks after
Leo was born.
Courtesy The Daily Iowan
"Kristen
and Brian love Leo so much. Brian holds Leo every second he can; it’s
precious." Photo by The Daily Iowan/Callie Mitchell
As part of their open adoption, the Douds originally agreed to send
Mitchell monthly updates and pictures and visit with her once a year.
But their friendship has since eroded the agreement.
Kristen Doud and Mitchell communicate daily by phone and text and
occasionally Skype. Mitchell, who has resumed her college courses and
newspaper work, says she often will talk to Doud and say, “Where’s my
baby? Where’s our son?”
Mitchell says seeing pictures of Leo sometimes makes her cry, but out of pride rather than sadness.
“The love that you feel is so intense,” she says. “It’s weird. It’s
hard to grasp. This thing came out of me, and it was part of my body and
blood.”
Now, the college student hopes other women who are struggling with the
decision to adopt will feel empowered by her experience.
“Never ever, ever be ashamed to give your baby up for adoption,” she
says. “Yes, you are giving up a baby. But it’s such a selfless thing.
Seeing [the Douds] with Leo is amazing. ”
Callie Ann / Courtesy The Daily Iowan
"All of us
standing around with nothing but endless love to give to our son. It’s
the most beautiful thing I’ve ever been a part of." Photo by The Daily
Iowan/Callie Mitchell
Now that Mitchell’s story has gone public, Kristen Doud says she’s
proud of Mitchell and hopes that the process will help her heal.
“In going through the adoption, we tried to educate ourselves a lot on
birth moms, what they go through,” she says. “It was eye opening for
us. That’s what’s so powerful about her article. People have a
stereotype about what birth moms are. They want to put them in a box.
The reality is they are average, normal people who are faced with this
horrible decision.”
Graceful Adoptions owner Nissly, who has become close with both
Mitchell and the Douds, calls theirs "a fantastic match" and credits
Mitchell's strength and poise for making it so.
"You have to be smart enough and strong enough to go through with an adoption process," Nissly said.
Doud said she originally wasn’t sure what kind of relationship they
would have with Mitchell, but is happy the way things turned out.
Courtesy Kristen Doud
The Doud family: Brian, Kristen and Leo Doud, 3 months.
“I didn’t know if it would help or hurt her grieving to get pictures
of Leo. I wanted more than anything for her to heal. I still want her to
heal and to be able to move on in a healthy way,” she said.
With spring break coming up, Mitchell says she’s planning a visit to
Ohio to see Leo and the Douds. She says she can’t wait to hold the baby
and is also looking forward to something else.
She and Kristen Doud have made a pact to get matching tattoos: a side
profile of a lion with two arrows in its heart and a banner that reads,
“Be not afraid.”
Story Culled from:
http://www.today.com/parents/heartbreak-hope-healing-birth-mother-tells-her-adoption-story-1C8650370
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